Failure: when you're sitting on the ground, unable and unwilling to ask for help.

I think I am a failure...

"S'il te plaît"
The phase has crossed my lips hundreds of times in the past 6 years. But never once in those 6 years has the literal translation ever entered my mind. It's such a common phrase we say off-handedly; "please". However S'il te plaît has so much more significance than 'please'.
"If it pleases you"
Having grown adept at getting what I want, the word 'please' has come to mean "I plan of having it my way anyway, but I am expected to ask your permission, so I shall, but you had better say yes."
"If it pleases you"
It's not asking if I can have my way. It's asking if I am headed Your way.
"If it pleases You"
No longer is it: please may I have..., please can I go..., please can I do...; it is: will my having...please You, will my going... please You, will my doing... please You?
"If it pleases You"
You are the only one who matters. Leave it to the French to help me to recognize it.
S'il Te plaît

Have you ever had so many emotions bottled up inside you feel like you will impode? I'm not good at sharing how I feel, and it's been so long since I have talked to anyone I trust that I feel so bottled up and ready to explode. But who to talk to? My roommates are great, but not best friends. my best friends have gone off on their own adventures and are busy with their new friends. My RA is sweet, but we don't really connect. My GGL is crazy busy, and cant keep up with all of us for one on one time. And I just havent made any best, close, share-your-deepest-darkest-secrets friends here- and I don't even know how. So back to my question- who do I talk to to relieve the pressure inside my heart? There is so much going on inside of me, but no one sees anything but a happy, easy going, quiet freshman French Ed. major. Who am I really? No one knows the real me. Even my best friends don't know how much I've always wanted to be something I can never be. No one knows how often I see couples and ache for a man to love me- or to just talk to me. No one knows how much I want to have friendships with more substance than a hi on the street, or an awkward phone call, or a few text messages. No one knows I love to be hugged, but feel awkward giving hugs. People don't know how much I agonize over what they say about me when I leave the room. No one knows that I facebook stalk people to learn what's going on in their lives, since they don't tell me themselves. No one sees the hurt in my eyes when they walk away to talk to someone more interesting.

My life feels like a huge lie, but I don't know who would even care about these things. I feel like a huge depression case, but I don't actually feel depressed. I just feel... something- Frustrated, unloved, unappreciated, selfish, juvenile, confused, friendless, worthless, unChristian, talentless, guilty. I sit in a room full of people, and yet, I am alone. Any Chrisitian reading this would tell me to give it to God and He loves me, and can take care of me and my problems. And while I believe that, but that doesnt make life easier- why do I still feel this way?

And now my struggle is posting this. Should I? How do I stop the crushing hurt when year after year goes by, and not a single guy even shows an interest in me? How do I stop feeling guilty for being upset and not wanting to wait for God? I just want to cry. but why cry if no one is there to console you?

Why do I have all this turmoil going on inside of me? why can't life just be easy and fun. why do I have to question everything and be pessimistic about everyone? why cant I trust people? Why do I suspect the worst in people?Why do I have such a shield around myself? Why do I want to be part of things but am unable to actually get involved? Why do people make me feel awkward? Why did Melissa not even bother to call me on my birthday? Why, in the entire month I was home for Christmas, did Kate never call or want to hang out? Why do I never call them? Why does it hurt so much? Why do I care so much? ??????



I just want someone who understands me... and truely cares- not the "aw, you're so pitiful" type consoling, but real, "I truely care about your hurts and want to listen to you" type.

homework and junk food.... college is great.

So, today I sit at my desk eating nutella straight out of the jar and drinking Wild Cherry Pepsi. Totally unhealthy, I know, but I have 4 papers due Monday, I have only started one, and I needed some unhealthyness...
Anyway, school is great. I love my classes, profs, and friends. I want to go home for Christmas already, but I will miss my life here. I'm totally excited to go on Thanksgiving break next week since I havent seen my parents for about a month.
The highligh of next semester will be going to France! I cant believe that in about 4 months I will be in Paris!!! It will be so much fun to be with Prof Schram and Stephanie, and Sarah and everyone else who is going. Sadly Chris cant afford it... he would be fun to go with. Anyway, I am so stoked even though I have no idea where the money for it will come from... - well, i do know- God will provide.

Ramblings of a college kid

So, it's been a while.... always a while.

i started college this semester. wow- it's so different from high school. I'm in a dorm with hundreds of girls vs. living at home with my parents and brother. I make my own decisions for everything vs. my mom telling me what to do. I tell my mom I'm going to do something vs. asking if i can doing something. I study when i want, party (by party i of course mean in a Christian manner that would be pleasing to Christ) when i want, eat when i want, skip class if i want, and leave campus when i want vs. being told when to do something and where to be. There are no bells, no principals, no stupid (well, not as many stupid) rules, more freedom, more responsibility, amazing new friends, incredible new experiences, and never a dull moment. Now bordom means walking down the hall to find someone to hang out with, or watching a movie with the hallmates, or driving to walmart (because this is sortof the boonies and walmart is the most exciting thing around), or going to the bakafé (the only other excitement in this town), or studying in the library, or hanging out in TOL, or just being college kids (which many times means pranking someone....... sticky-notes are a staple of college life........)
all in all, it has been a wonderful month and a half. i cant wait for the rest :)

undecided

Many roads diverge on a concrete jungle,
Metal beetles travel every direction,
And I stand undecided.

Some head home to empty houses,
Some to unappreciative bosses,
And I stand undecided.

One full of boxes anticipates a new life,
While one hopes to escape its current trials.
And I stand undecided.

Many push me toward their destinations,
Dark with pain and broken promises,
But still I stand undecided.

While most paths choke with travelers,
The smallest remains barely noticed,
Why am I still undecided?

Not many beetles converge on it,
But one beckons me to follow,
Can it sense I’m undecided?

Devoid of the hustle and bustle,
The smallest path holds much intrigue.
I stand not quite so undecided.

This beetle shines with light from within,
I feel its calming truth and love.
Finally, I have decided.

motivation, motivation,motivation

I have no motivation.

I used to. I used to love going to school and learning and excelling, and while I still like those things, All I want to do now is be done. I dont have any school spirit, I even skipped the peprally today, and while I enjoy most of my classes, I have no reason to stick around. I am so ready to be finished. Now I know that in a few years, ok- maybe many years- I will wish I participated in more and had school spirit, and I will miss my friends, but I right now, I just want to go off to college and start the rest of my life. Not that God's timing isnt perfect, but I feel stuck in a rut. I have more to say, but I dont have the motivation to write any more.

jealousy, methodists, and pride

Ive known than I'm a jealous person for the past few years- and yet every time i feel jealousy coming back, im surprised. Just because I pray about it doesnt mean its going to magically disappear. I think sometimes i have to remind myself of the same things over and over again.

So, this sunday we were methodist. It was fun. we had a really good time. The worship was great and the pastor was pretty good. one of the things he said that really struck a cord in me was that pride is wrong. Ive known that my whole life, but then he went on to talk about how expecting praise or recognition and getting mad when you dont get it, is considered pride- and i realized that is what i did with my birthday. A) i expected people to call and wish me happy birthday and got mad when no one did- what kind of rediculousness is that- i didnt create myself- i wanted someone to recognize that i had gained a year of life- i didnt accomplish anything-God did. how selfish and mixed up is that logic??? B) I should have been grateful to have been born at all. C)it wasnt mom and dads faults they were sick. D) I have parents and friends who love me- what else do i need?

needless to say, im feeling better about the whole situation.

MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR

So, technically christmas was 4 days ago, and the new year is in 3 days, so i figiured if i post in the middle, that will work well.
1st semester ended pretty well- i got an A+ on my physics final, so im really pretty excited. everything else went ok. Melissa graduated early, so I'm really going to miss her this semester. My classes sould be pretty good. except expos 2- i really dont want to take it, but i really dont have a choice. oh well.

So, I'm not graduating early- i'm a little sad, but I prayed that if this wasnt God's will, that he would put something in the way to stop me, and he did. I dont have specific english class i need to graduate, and its too late to change classes now. so, im sticking around til may.